The Stars Remind Me of Dying
by drakontion
Summary: Commander Shepard turns to her faithful helmsman for comfort and understanding, and it develops into something else.


The bridge was quiet, for once, which was pretty much how he liked it. Joker never minded drawing dogwatch, because then it was just him and the Normandy and the stars. Ignoring EDI, of course. He could lie back and relax and watch them rippling past the view ports. It was… soothing. He knew them all by name, and if he didn't know their names he'd make them up. They were more than points of reference: they were dear and familiar friends, cheerful guiding lights in the void, and the only constants he really had in life.

_Except for you, m'dear_, he thought, and patted the console in front of him affectionately.

He'd settled back and was mentally plotting fictional astrological signs on the constellations currently visible when he heard a soft padding behind him. He swiveled his chair around just in time to catch his commander sinking into the co-pilot's seat next to him. She had drawn her legs up to her chest and was shivering, bare toes peeking out from the hem of a long, barely opaque white nightdress. He swallowed.

"Hey Commander, what's up?"

"Can't sleep," she replied. She sounded… tense.

"Clowns'll eat you?" he offered, grinning.

She shuddered. "No, no clowns. Stars."

Joker blinked. "You're kidding me, right?"

She shook her head and wrapped her arms around her knees. "I wish. I just can't look at the stars any more. They're always there, always watching me, never caring…" Joker noticed that she was shaking, just slightly, and as she answered she started rocking ever so slightly back and forth. "I can't sleep, because they're watching me. I can't dream, in case they're there."

She looked at him, and her normally wide blue eyes were staring, the pupils dilated, the delicate skin underneath dark and bruised. "They put a _window_ over the captain's bed," she whispered harshly. "So I have to _lie_ there and look up at them streaming past… stars so bright they hurt…burning into me so I can't sleep, can't lie there, can't forget…"

She paused. "Every time I lie there I feel like I'm spinning, and I remember the stars tumbling around me, and then being overtaken by darkness and orange and pain..."

She bit her lip, and as she met his eyes a shining tear slowly made its way down her pale, strained face. "The stars remind me of dying," she said, and turned away.

Joker had seen his commander in full flight before, high on adrenalin and aggression; he's seen her drunk and careless; he'd seen her burning with righteous anger and thwarted rage, hurting, caring, loving, laughing, sympathetic – but he'd never seen her panic before. It scared him, his strong brave commander collapsing into herself. _Shit. What should I do?_

"Hey," he said softly. She made no sign that she heard him, rocking on her seat and clutching her knees with white fingers.

"Hey," he said again, and reached out, straining, and put a gentle hand on her arm. She started, and looked up almost wildly, and his heart turned over for her.

"C'mere," he said, and gently tugged on her arm. He smiled, just slightly, as she stared at him, blue eyes as dark as deep space and as vast. "C'mon, commander."

She remained frozen to her seat, trapped in the memory that was tormenting her. He raised his voice. "Commander? Commander."

He sighed. "Jinny?" She blinked, and actually looked _at_ him, not through him.

With a stifled sob, she unwound like a spring, lurched for him and curled up on his lap. He winced as her hip bones ground into him, but she arranged herself carefully, without causing him too much pain. He could feel her shaking against his chest, so he tucked her head in under his chin and carefully put his arms around her, whispering nonsense words soothingly. He'd always known his commander was a tiny thing, personality notwithstanding – barely five and a half feet tall, but unassailable for all that. Now, she felt frail, like a baby bird. _She's so thin!_ He was alarmed to feel her ribs under his fingers, and counted the protuberant knobs of her spine. He stroked her soft, silky cap of black hair, running his fingers soothingly down her back.

Gradually, her tears dried and her shakes stilled and she lay quiescent on his chest. Which was about when he remembered that while she might be his Commander, she was also a woman, and a desirable one at that. He cleared his throat. "Feeling better?"

She sighed. "For now, yes. Thank you, Joker."

"All part of the service," he quipped.

But she made no attempt to move, and he didn't encourage her.

Imperceptibly, his soothing strokes on her back turned into tiny circles. Her breathing had deepened and she gradually arched her back against his hand. He turned his head on the side and inhaled the clean, sweet scent of her hair and his arms tightened around her. She murmured appreciatively, and nuzzled into his chest. He thought she might be falling asleep, except that then her small hand crept up and skimmed over his chest. _Oh dear god._

He cleared his throat. "Um, Commander?"

"Jinny," she corrected.

"Jinny. It's ah, late. And you really do need to get some sleep."

She shook her head stubbornly. Her fingers found their way to the hem of his shipsuit's tunic and started working it up, baring skin. He gulped as he felt her fingertips brushing across his stomach.

"Jinny?"

She stopped, and looked up at him, eyes guileless. He'd seen those same eyes charm two entire crews of Normandies, Spectres, Councils, all ranks of brass, not to mention countless others of all genders, ages and species. He was no more immune to them than they were. He shut up.

She had, by now, lifted the front of his suit all the way to his chest and was tugging it up further. Obligingly he lifted his arms, and she pulled the offending garment off him and dropped it beside his chair. She rubbed her cheek against the hairs of his chest. He hissed as he felt her warm breath on his nipple, and tensed as she flicked it with her tongue. His fingers tangled in her hair and he groaned when she started to suckle him. His hips flicked involuntarily when her free hand found his other nipple and pinched it gently. He closed his eyes. _So long… It's been so long…_

She shifted in his lap carefully, kneeling, straddling him, and he opened his eyes to find her looking quite seriously at him. Her lips were soft and pink and he pulled her down into a kiss just so he could see if they tasted as good as they looked.

She tasted of tears and despair and sweet, sweet life, with an underlying tang of ozone. _Cybernetics?_ he thought muzzily, as he clasped her to him, and then forgot to analyze, lost in the sensation of her tongue intertwining with his, the taste of her mouth, the soft nibble of her teeth on his lips.

Joker slid his hands down her back and gripped her ass, feeling the firm muscle underneath. She made a tiny noise of encouragement into his mouth as he kneaded her. Slowly he started pulling the hem of her nightdress up, further and further until it was bunched up around her hips and he realized that she was naked underneath. He groaned as he ran his hands over her bare backside, and pulled her into him. She ground her hips against him, gently at first, then harder as he encouraged her.

He left her mouth, and kissed down her neck. She arched against him as he trailed his tongue down to her collarbone and nudged the strap off over her shoulder. Wrapping one arm around her ass, he brought his other hand up to her breast and freed it, pulling her nightdress down. His head lowered and she ever so softly moaned as his mouth enclosed her nipple. Her hands held his head in place as he used his teeth to gently nip and pull. When he started suckling her, she mewled and closed her eyes.

He turned his attention to her other breast, growling briefly as her nightdress got in the way. She chuckled, and, leaning back, pulled it off entirely, leaving it puddled carelessly on the floor. His breath caught as he looked up at her, small and delicate and perfect and haunted and _oh my god_ _right there_. She smiled as she looked down at him. "Jeff," she whispered, and she leaned in and kissed him deeply.

Then her hands were on the waistband of his trousers, skillfully undoing them, and he gasped as she freed him and ran her small, weapon roughened fingers over his length. He gave himself over to her as her fingers gripped and caressed him, shuddering as she gently ran the tip of a fingernail down the underside. He watched with darkened eyes as she caught the first shining droplets and brought them up to her lips and tasted them. She smeared her wettened fingertips over him and he shuddered. "Jinny," he groaned, and she kissed him.

She stopped, and he groaned again, but she repositioned herself carefully, balancing over him before slowly, slowly lowering herself onto him, her half lidded eyes watching his. He fought the urge to thrust up into her, watching her expression change as she took him in. They both groaned as he felt himself grind against her womb. Languorously, she began to move on him, with him, and he lost himself in her. She built up a gradual pace, rocking against him, panting softly. He held her as she arched back, supporting herself on the arms of his chair. Her hips undulated against him as he slid one hand down and found her nub. "Oh god yes, Jeff, yes," she moaned as he stroked it softly. He circled it as she moved, feeling her gripping his length tighter. Her hips bucked and she was moving faster, and he pressed and she keened and shuddered and clenched around him and he saw the stars again in her eyes and reflected behind her as he came.

When he came to himself she was leaning against him, thighs trembling as she supported her weight. They were panting in unison, breath mingling. He could smell the scent of their sweat and the tang of sex and he swallowed.

With a pang of regret he felt himself sliding out of her, and she got up.

"Commander?"

She smiled. "Jinny," she said, and kissed him sweetly.

"Jinny. Is this gonna make things awkward? Coz, you know," he gestured around the empty ship, "you know how fast the scuttlebutt goes around this place."

She laughed, quickly, and stooped to retrieve her nightdress, slipping it over her pale shoulders. She made to move off, and he caught her hand. She looked down in surprise and raised an eyebrow at him questioningly.

Joker cleared his throat. "I'd like it if we could do this again," he said huskily.

She smiled again, softly, and cupped his cheek. "We will, pilot mine. Don't worry." She kissed him, and padded off.

"You make me remember the stars gave me life, too."


End file.
